Emma Spitz | Parental Coach
Becoming a parent for the first time is a rollercoaster of changes, and you may be surprised to hear that figuring out the problem of childcare and subsequently handing over your child into someone else’s care may be one of the hardest emotional transitions you might go through.
To manage this transition, it is important to understand not only the practicalities of the different childcare options, but to also be ready to make some critical decisions early on about how you see your family dynamic and career playing out as you go forward.
3 Steps to Take Before You Consider the Options
1. Plan A Conversation About Your Future Dynamic
Some parents I have worked with have mapped out incredibly early, even prior to their 12- week scan, which nursery they want to send their child to, or know exactly the working pattern they want to have when they return to work following their parental leave. Do not be fooled! Even when couples have a plan, this does not mean that they have necessarily thought about the long-term implications of the choices they make on their careers, their roles as parents or even on their own relationship. Some of these decisions are tempting to ‘just get through the first 6 months of going back to work’. Does this sound familiar? Maybe you think that you and your partner both have the same idea of “how are we going to do this?” – right?
Wrong.
The reality is that behind each of the arrangements that you make is a complex set of choices. Either as an individual or couple, it can be better in the long term if you make these decisions consciously because they can have profound implications on your life. Start by planning to have a conversation about how you see the future for the two of you, both as working parents and as individuals.
2. Make Some Decisions (Best Guesses for Now!) On How You Are Going to Do Family and Work – Together.
So, now you are mid-conversation – what should you be talking about? Jennifer Petriglieri, the author of “Couples that Work”, described recently in a podcast with my colleague Geraldine Gallacher the three alternate career models typically adopted for combining career and family. There is no right or wrong way to choose, but whichever model you follow will influence the way you need to organise your ‘family vs. work’ responsibilities.
I’ll give you a brief summary of the models as an overview of your choices. In the ‘Primary-Secondary Model’, one partner’s career takes priority over the other’s so automatically one parent will spend more of their time caring for the family than focusing on work. This is also true of the ‘Turn-Taking Model’ where one parent identifies as the primary carer, but only for a period of time (typically 3 to 5 years) and then the parents switch. It is when we move onto the ‘Double-Primary Career Model’ that we find both parents equally juggling the demands of their careers and family. Of course, there are a whole range of implications for whichever model you predict will be appropriate for you. However, in the first instance thinking about which model suits you will help you to understand what type of childcare you may want to consider.
3. What ‘Type’ Of Childcare Will Make Sense for You?
Once you have some ideas on your co-parenting/co-working plans you are ready to start considering the ‘type’ of childcare which is most likely to support you both being successful working parents.
When I think back to when I made these decisions with my partner about what the right care would be for our family, I was lucky enough to have advice from my sister Julia Harris who has been a childcare expert for over 20 years.
Julia’s advice is that once you have decided about work and family then it’s time to think about the options from a ‘specialised’ to a ‘shared’ model. She has laid out below examples of some of the different arrangements you may choose to have and the implications for childcare.
3 Considerations When You Look at The Childcare Options
So, now you are ready to start looking properly at the options. These are my 3 tips for helping it go more smoothly:
1. Childcare Is Not A One Size Fits All Solution.
There are no right or wrong decisions; the best option is the one which works best for your needs. Believe me, there is plenty of time as a parent to beat yourself up about getting it wrong later, but childcare need not be one of them! If you do choose a certain pathway and later realise it’s not a good fit for your family in reality, then it is simple to change it. Remember, all childcare is transient and what is right for you when you have a baby will not necessarily work once your child starts nursery, pre-school or even full-time school.
2. Be Clear About the Boundaries and Expectations.
Julia’s advice is to consider key factors, such as how many children you have, their ages and your budget, as well as working patterns and commuting distance. In addition, she stresses that it is as important to consider in advance what will happen if things do not go to plan. For example, if you choose a carer who comes to your home, what will happen if they are ill and aren’t able to work? If you are thinking about a nursery or external setting, when your child is not well enough to be there, what will be the backup? Consider the support from family & friends and how issues as simple as their location may influence your decisions.
Julia also advises to “make a list of your needs, for you and your child. When you start to get into the decisions and options in depth then go back to this list. Even if those needs appear to be met on paper, if you are not happy, then trust your intuition!”.
3. Look at All the Options
There are 2 main categories of childcare options: ‘Home Based’ and ‘External Setting’. Along your journey, you may sometimes find yourself using a combination of both. Julia has given a reminder of some of these and what to consider below. Take some time to explore a few. As you navigate this path to finding the right childcare solution for your family, do your research, consider the advice available but rely on your gut to tell you if you are going for the right choice for you. Primarily keep an open mind and recognise that no arrangement is set in stone, it does not always work first time and your needs will change as your family and career develops.
Some Last Thoughts
Covid-19 has taken contingency planning to an extreme and seen many parents crisis-working as schools and nurseries have closed or asked children to self-isolate. In more normal times, receiving the dreaded call from nursery that your child is running a fever is all too familiar a scenario, particularly and inconveniently in those early days when your child is adapting to the germs shared by their fellow playmates. My advice is to consider your contingency plan in advance – not when you are in mid-crisis coping with chicken pox or, more recently, self-isolating. Have the conversation with your support system or partner at home about options for coping with the unexpected. Many organisations we work with do provide back-up childcare facilities so it’s worth looking into what your employer might provide in this area and whether in an emergency you can use this resource.
